Choose Yourself First: The Ultimate Act of Self-Love

Let’s get something out of the way: the word “selfish” gets a bad rap. We’ve all heard it used like a curse. Growing up, being called selfish was the ultimate insult — like it meant you were inconsiderate, arrogant, or just plain mean. But somewhere along the way, we forgot that being “selfish” isn’t about stepping on others. Sometimes it’s about stepping into yourself. Sometimes it’s about choosing your peace over their expectations. And that’s exactly what I’ve been learning to do: choose myself first. Not in a “me over everybody” kind of way, but in an “I deserve to be centered in my own life” kind of way.

Most of us were raised to believe that being a “good” person means constantly showing up for others, even when we’re tired, even when we don’t want to, even when it costs us more than we’re willing to admit. This is especially true if you’re a Black woman, a person of color, the oldest child, or someone who grew up in survival mode. We were taught to put everyone else’s needs ahead of our own — to make ourselves small, quiet, agreeable. We learned that self-sacrifice was noble, that exhaustion was proof of love, and that boundaries were just walls.

But let’s talk about what that actually looks like in real life: burnout, resentment, anxiety, and a deep disconnection from who we really are. That’s not love. That’s a slow death of the self.

What Choosing Yourself Actually Looks Like

Choosing yourself doesn’t have to be loud or dramatic. It doesn’t always mean cutting people off or walking away from your life. Sometimes it’s quieter than that. Sometimes it’s saying no to a favor you don’t have the energy to give. Sometimes it’s turning down a last-minute invite so you can stay home and be still. Sometimes it’s finally booking that solo trip, starting that business, or walking into therapy for the first time.

It’s listening to your body. Honoring your gut. Believing that your desires matter, not just as background noise to other people’s dreams, but as a soundtrack to your own.

And yeah, some people might not like this version of you. They might miss the version that always said yes, that didn’t ask for much, that made their life easier. But that version of you wasn’t whole. That version of you was performing.

Why This Is Actually a Selfless Act

Now here’s the plot twist: choosing yourself first isn’t just about you. When you take care of yourself deeply and unapologetically, you actually become more grounded, more present, more intentional. You stop giving from a place of obligation or guilt, and start giving from a place of overflow. People around you feel that. They notice when your “yes” is real. They notice when your joy is rooted. They benefit from the healed, whole version of you, not the one who’s constantly running on empty.

And the truth is, when you model what it looks like to honor yourself, you quietly give others permission to do the same. You break the cycle. You change the vibe. You start building a life where rest, boundaries, and self-love are the standard — not the exception.

Some Days It’s Hard

Let’s not act like this is easy. Choosing yourself can be uncomfortable, especially at first. The guilt creeps in. The fear of disappointing people kicks up. You wonder if you’re doing too much, if you’re asking for too much, if you're becoming someone people won’t recognize. But here’s the thing: if choosing yourself makes you unrecognizable to others, maybe it’s because you’re finally becoming recognizable to yourself.

Some days you’ll fumble. You’ll fall back into people-pleasing. You’ll say “yes” when you should’ve said “no.” That’s okay. Choosing yourself is not a one-time thing, it’s a practice. A process. A slow, sacred becoming.

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You are not here to be everyone’s savior, counselor, unpaid emotional support system, or background character. You are here to live. To grow. To create. To evolve.

Choosing yourself is not betrayal, it’s alignment. It’s you learning how to love yourself in real-time, out loud, without apology. It’s not selfish, it’s revolutionary. And in a world that profits off of your burnout and self-doubt, loving yourself boldly might be the most selfless thing you can do.